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Name: Jaime Grant Birthday: 07/07/1967 Occupation: Married to cute climbing girl |
THE CHALLENGE: As it stands: -34 unique boulder problems (at least 3 at four unique
sites) |
King Pin's Revenge (or Size Matters)
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12:01 am - King Pin Donuts.
Though I've lived in Berkeley for 14 years, this is the first time I've set foot in the storied establishment. The birthday challenge begins. Not just any apple fritter, the King Pin version of this American pastry classic is the size of a small fry pan, weighs several pounds, and has a half-life of 200 years. "Four apple fritters, please". They have just come out of the deep-fryer and are now dripping with a sugary glaze. Having seen many birthday challengers underestimate the difficulty of processing one - much less several - King Pin apple fritters, I've decided on a strategy of steady consumption. Heck, eating one of anything every six hours seems trivial. I figure I'll down 2 fritters before bed and wake up early the next morning with only 1.4 to go. I'm eager to get started. Driving home, I extract a fresh fritter from its box and take a bite. Ounces of grease pour down my arm. I don't yet know what these things taste like once they have cooled, but eating warm ones is like biting into semi-coagulated patties of month old grease. I get through half of the first fritter before self-preservation and gut-wrenching nausea send me to bed for a night of sleepless tossing and feverish nightmares. This does not bode well. |
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7:00 am - I haven't slept much, but I have a big day ahead and time is of the essence. My wife brews up a thermos of tea and I fill a bag with bananas and apple fritters and we're off. By 8 o'clock, we arrive at Indian Rock - west coast capital of eliminate bouldering. I've prepared a list of 34 unique boulder problems; some easy, several rather hard, but most moderate - perhaps V3 to V6. I haven't done the longest problem on my list in years, so I've allowed myself an alternate if I fail on that problem. The morning is lovely and I begin with easier warm-ups. My goal is to send all of my problems first burn. Through 12 problems, I'm right on target. Time for some tea and fritters. A little rest and back to work...falling. Yikes, one third of the way through and I'm falling on moderates. Four tries later I finally tick problem thirteen but I've lost quite a bit of skin from my tips. The fritters have given me a nice sugar rush, though and I'm feeling pretty good. Time for Nat's Traverse (V8) - twenty four moves of powerful bouldering. Crimp, undercling, reach, sloper, slap, reach, swing...going just fine. One move from the finish...whoops! Slipping on the last move is costly after so much movement. My second attempt is worse and I fail at the 20th move. Good thing I have an alternate. Time to move on.
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11:00 - The failure on Nat's has been costly. I'm falling a lot now. Three burns to do Harrison's Harassment. Four burns to do the Heel-hook problem. Yikes, I'm really feeling fatigued. Luckily I only have 6 more problems to go. My muscles are starting to feel a bit polluted. I keep telling myself that the fritters are giving me good carbs for the endurance events, but they haven't done much for my climbing. 1:00 - The boulder problems are done. A bit shaky, but they are behind me and completed. I've had another half of a fritter for good measure, mixed some carb drink, packed a nutrition bar (I don't really want to put a fritter in the pocket of my cycling jersey) and I'm off. 1:40 - 15 miles and two climbs behind me, I feel pretty good, not snappy, but not tired. Lydia (my support team) zips past and I pull over to load up with fluid for the rest of the ride. Mile 25 - I have been looking forward to making good time on this long downhill, but the headwinds are so strong that I've dropped down to my small chainring and I'm working hard to make 13 mph. Weird. Mile 32 - My rear-end has been aching for some time now and my feet are burning. I regret that I didn't stop when I reached the Delta to cool off my feet in the cold water. No problem, just keep peddling. "Everything will be great once you hit mile 50" I tell myself. |
Mile 45 - "My a** is killing me!". It has been a mantra in my head for many miles now. Thank goodness my feet hurt so much. It's nice to have a bit of a distraction from the pain in my rear. Hmmmm....what is that, stomach cramps? I'm afraid to burp for fear of tasting fritter. "Everything will be great once you hit mile 50". Mile 50 - I bonked at mile 47. Perhaps I should have done training rides longer than 40 miles. Did I mention what a beautiful day it is? "My a**..." is now playing to the tune of "Chan Chan" by Buena Vista Social Club. |
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Mile 62 - I just finished the last climb. I was passed by every cyclist in the Bay Area in a span of 4 miles. I averaged 5 mph - just fast enough to keep the bile upright. Mile 67.5 - I can't keep the bike upright. Nothing like falling over in a heap, feet still clipped into your pedals - at rush hour - to bring a little humility. No worries, even embarrassment can't keep me from completing the last half mile. 7:45 - After eating half a sandwich and curling up in a ball for 45 minutes, I finally lugged myself down to the car for the drive to Tilden Park for the trail run. (I don't think this would have happened had Lydia not put my socks on for me.) I don't believe for a minute that I'm going to complete the run. My knees hurt a lot and I figure I'll just run until I feel like I'm hurting myself. Left, right, shuffle, shuffle. The sunset is beautiful so I just keep running toward it. Much shuffling later, I cross the "finish line" after 6.8 miles and raise my arms in mock triumph. During the run I have an epiphany. Every meal improves with proper presentation. All my fritters need is a proper setting.
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9:20 - No Mas. After preparing a setting of fine china, lead crystal and candlelight, I find that presentation has not improved the fritters enough for my body to recognize them as food stuff. There is time yet, though. Just a few more challenges. 10:30 - The sit-ups proved trivial, but the push-ups were another matter. 34 sets of 10 has taken quite some time and I don't think that I cold do 10 more. (I actually did the last 30 in sets of 5.) I finished the last of the milk to wash down the fritters prior to my sit-ups. All that remains are 68 ounces of beer in 90 minutes. I'm surprised at how hard it is to drink beer. My body definitely wants something more nutritious. 11:45 - Two beers to go. After each sip, I lower my head into my hands and go to my happy place. |
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12:00 -
I finish the last drop right at the stroke of midnight. All things
considered, it was a good challenge. Most events were in doubt until the end and
it took me all day. Sadly, I was only able to consume 2 fritters. In
anticipation of next years challenge, I'm devoting the next 12 months to
training my body to accept King Pin apple fritters as work-out food.
